During the warm weather spell in Canada last week, well-known senders Bob and Doug climbed what might be the world’s first 5.16a.
The project, bolted by Terry and Deaner, was first imagined by Tron.
The steep line is complicated and follows bottle-capped sized holds up the Hoser Wall at the Hoser Crag.
“The 5.16, as it has come to be known, is as elusive as the Sasquatch and Ogopogo,” said Andrew Cohen, The Unfinished Climb: The Grade We Are. “It has animated—and frustrated—generations of senders.”
The first time Bob and Doug laid eyes on the route was on May 24, 1980.
It was the first sport climb ever bolted in North America using indoor-bolt-spacing techniques of keeping bolts about two feet apart.
Bob said to Doug, “You knob, if it’s not climbed by March 31, 2018, youz better climb it, eh.”
So last week, the pair of Canadian brothers returned to that Canadian crag, strait off their couch.
“Take off, eh,” Bob said to Doug as they reported to Gripped via landline. And take off Doug did.
He took a chug of his strange brew and started up, being sure not to Z-clip any of the 35 bolts on the 18-metre slab to overhang to box-corner to dihedral past a roof and long-reach crux to the final bulge and undercling double gaston chain-clipping hold.
Two-four move after two-four move, Doug made his way up. He yelled down, “It’s getting warm, I’m gonna drop my toque down, eh!”
Terry, Deaner and Tron showed up to encourage, one yelled out, “I recommend you try another sport, maybe knitting!”
That’s when Deaner said, “Tron, you funkin’ blow! Just give’r eh!”
“Are you a hoser!?” said Doug to Bob as he neared the chains. “You’re short ropin’ me, eh!”
Just then, Doug finished the route and everyone celebrated with a bottoms-up gulp of a an Elsinore Beer.
“Nice one ya hoser, eh!” said Bob to Doug as he lowered to the ground.
Terry whispered to Deaner that he thought Bob and Doug should name it Fubar, but Bob and Doug had already picked a name: Great White North 5.16a.
We are awaiting photos and a possible video from Hoser Eh Productions, but heard that Narrow Boyz Bill and Ted have been commissioned by sponsors to confirm the grade.
When reached in a phone booth, Ted told us he heard the climb is, “Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant,” and that it’s likely only 5.15d.
This is a developing story and not fake news.
This was written on April 1 for April Fools. There is no 5.16a in Canada, not yet! Characters were based off well-known characters in pop culture.