Sixth Ascent of Too Big to Flail V10 Highball

I wanted to push myself on something that was cusping my limits. To see what I can achieve with a wholehearted obsession that I let take me over, mind and body. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m driven towards the routes that show risk with an open hand. For some odd reason it’s the only thing I’ve found that makes me feel real. In those moments of calm precise movement in a potential life altering position, I feel the most alive! With Too Big, the part that blew my mind while sending was how calm and stoked I was grasping onto its tiny holds in insecure positions. I had ground the moves into my body over the course of four days, but those sessions were maybe one or two goes roped and pre-send, I had only successfully climbed it from bottom to top once on a rope. But with that small hurdle achieved I felt an immediate sense of confidence.

The morning of I went for a run around 7 o’clock out to the climb. I had a small amount of nervousness, which I believe was more so the organization of people, pads, cameras etc, than the climb itself. “Is today the day? Am I sure? I’ve only sent it once. Is that enough? What if it’s not and I’m dragging all of my friends into a bad situation?” These questions flooded my brain on my way over to The Secrets and started to push doubt into my brain, but the second I rounded the corner and glared at the route. I no longer had any doubt on my mind, “you’re mine today mother fucker!” I felt slightly ridiculous for yelling at a boulder but it served as a message to myself. All doubt was gone and I KNEW I could do it.

I rushed my warm up just a little due to excitement. And as a result when I gave it my first ground attempt I found myself halfway up the climb feeling pretty good but my hands were numb and I knew getting warmth back while sitting on the “jug” of the route was going to be hard. Mainly because the “jug” is a two finger half pad nub that is not the most relaxing to just hang out on. I tried to keep moving, grabbed the next two small two finger crimps and realized I couldn’t feel my right hand.

I hesitated and thought about what could happen with cold hands higher up and decided this was a good spot to bail. I took the biggest fall of my life, about 25 feet, stomped the pads and popped up yelling “fuck” and stared at my fingers, but I wasn’t upset or injured so my eyes went right back to the climb, “you can do this man, change the music and send this thing.” I waited a couple minutes and got right back to it. With warm hands and an even more focused mind I cruised almost auto-pilot to the same spot.

Told myself to relax and only proceed when I KNEW I was ready. I made the moves, got to the next stance and was calm enough to throw out a goofy face to cameras. I knew I was going to send. It’s still hard for me to describe what I felt on top of the climb or for the rest of the day, it felt as tho I had dreamed it all. Almost became annoyed with the cruelty of this joke and how I wasn’t able to wake up… it took until this morning to fully understand why it seemed so bitter sweet, so otherworldly. I wanted to enjoy the elation of sending such an epic technical route, but in the back of my mind it solidified that I am surely not finished, and that I have no choice in going full speed ahead towards even greater goals.